2.02.2006

Brain Cells....DEAD!

Is it the cold weather that makes people stupider?

Shorter days?

Post-holiday credit card bills?

Pre-Valentine’s jitters?

I can’t account for it, but it seems every day lately I come across stories in the news about people who exhibit the dumbest, most idiotic behavior imaginable. I bet they’re surprised at the outcome, too. The following fall under the category of:

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Case in point: Richard Hatch. I’m not a Survivor fan, unlike 5.2 gajillion people out there, but even I know Weird Naked Guy (he did lose all that weight-it hardly seems fair to refer to him as Fat Naked Guy anymore…you’ve gotta give him that) won the million dollars. Does he think IRS auditors don’t watch TV? They’re not automatons. I mean, sure they have ice running through their veins, and they subsist on water and bugs (not unlike Richard Hatch’s survivor diet) but surely he must realize they occasionally turn on the television. So when Richard Hatch claimed CBS paid him 1,000,000 in 2000, did he think that would just slip harmlessly under the radar, that no-one would notice? That’s like saying no-one notices the waitresses at Hooter’s because the wings are so good. Please. Both are cases of big boobs in your face everywhere you turn. You’re gonna notice. And I’m guessing his innate Survivor instincts will come in real handy…in PRISON.
And how about this guy? Heyyyyy, man. Like, someone, like nabbed my dubage, man. Whaddya mean, who’s this? It’s the DUDE, man. You can call me Duder, or El Dudo, y’know. The Dude. Do you wanna know where I live, so you can, like, come investigate? I live at 123 Cottonmouth Lane, Bakersville. Are you gonna bust this guy, man, cuz, like, I really need to toke up right now. This has been such a total buzzkill for me, man.

I love this woman. It’s like knowing your fake i.d. person in college: you must BE the assumed personality. You know her name, DOB, address and license number backwards and forwards, you know the answer to every related question possible (astrological sign, year before the year she was born, why your eyes are blue and not brown: contacts, of course) make up background stories about her (I know, totally weird that my birthday is February 29! I’m really only 5 years old—ha ha ha ha!) If you’re going to commit a forgery crime, at LEAST learn how to spell the name right. Please, people.

Oh, and let’s not forget the ENTIRE COUNTRY OF AUSTRALIA!!! I’m sure there must be a few people down undah who have brains enough not to send 2.2 million dollars to some nebulous member of the extended Nigerian Royal Family, but for it to be this widespread seems like a genuine epidemic. What’s Australian for WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BANKRUPTCY?

Murfree’s Law: If you’re looking at porn while driving, you’ll drive erratically and get pulled over. Damn, I hate it when that happens.

Are brain cells frozen solid? Has there been a perpetual full moon over the last week? Who knows? Anyway, I have to run, because I have a VERRRY important secret fax to send. Okay, it’s to Nigeria, but DON’T tell anyone.

3 comments:

donna said...

I'm sad to report that the guys arrested for the porn in the drive thru either were students at Texas A&M or simply residents of the town. Either way, I feel shame.

Your large brestesssssesssed sister-in-law said...

More importantly, what happened to The Daily WTF???? Journal is gone with a brief "I'm outtie" message left in December. WAHHHHHHHH.

And would you please fix your stupid journal so your loyal readers (all 3 of us...AHAHAHAHAAAA...do I amuse you?) can stop this excessive paging down. I am not comfortable with your current layout.

I am VEXED.

Guwi said...

I know--I've tried to visit Rachelle many times over the past 6 weeks--perhaps she finally axed her beastly step-son and has been sent to prison. Maybe she can write her blog from there? How funny would that be?

Stop being vexed and get over yourself. I can't even access your blog from work so you can talk about me all you want but I have no time to change the format of my blog.

I'm surprised no-one called me on the fact that one of my links was broken.

You guys aren't really reading, are you? You're just posting to make me feel better.

Okay, I admit it. It does.