Scene: two children, an eight year old boy and his five year old sister, over dinner.
Curtain warn...curtain rise.
Sassy: B, if you were something, would you lick yourself?
Sassy (speaking as if to a toddler instead of her older brother, who is nearly as tall as his mother): If you were something, like a dog or a monkey, would you lick yourself?
B: I don't think so. I mean, that's gross, for one, and for another, why would I? I mean, except to clean myself. But not, you know, for fun.
[Sound of muffled laughter as mother tries to busy herself inside the refrigerator, stage left.]
Sassy: Well, why not? I think you'd probably like to, you know, if you were something, instead of a boy. Because boys definitely do not like to lick themselves. I mean, obviously.
[More muffled laughter, bordering on hysteria, from direction of refrigerator. Mother mutters joke punchline to herself, 'because they can,' and laughter becomes of face-cramping, tear-rolling variety.]
B: And anyway, I don't think I'd think about it so much, if I were an animal. If I needed to lick myself, I would just do it, and not discuss it all night.
B: Eeeeuuuuuwwwwww...Mom! She just licked her hand and touched me! Gross!